Couple Of Jokes

SING FOR SUPPER
I went to an lndian restaurant, and half way through the meal the waiter asked, “Curry okay?”
l said, “Oh, go on then. Just one song.”

CRUELTY TO PETS
What do you call a cat without any whiskers? Hungry.

GETTIN AN EARFUL
A young man moved from his parents’ home into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.The poor kid broke into a cold sweat trying to maintain eye contact.After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”He followed her into her place; she closed the door and leant against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.” Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!” Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...”

LADY CONUNDRUM
If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

DOG GONE
Three old friends are finishing their third pint at the bar when one of them gets up to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” ask the other two. He replies, “I’ve got to leave. Last time we went drinking together we got so drunk that I staggered home and blew chunks on the living room carpet right in front of my wife and her parents.”“That’s nothing,” replied one of his friends. “I was so drunk I crashed my car into a police station.”“I walked into the wrong house and climbed into bed with my neighbour’s wife,” said the other. “You don’t understand,” says the first guy. “Chunks is our dog.”

HOLY CRAP
One day the Religious Education teacher wanted the class to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.Suzie raised her hand so she called on her. She said, “The sky is definitely blue!” “I’m sorry Suzie that’s wrong, the sky sometimes turns different colours: red, grey, etc… anybody else?”
Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definitely green.”“I’m sorry Timmy, that’s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it can turn brown, anybody else?”Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Miss, do farts have lumps?”The teacher says, “No, why?”“Then I definitely shit my pants!”

SAGGY ENDING
A 90-year old woman, having led a full life and done everything she’d ever wanted to do, decided her time on Earth was done. After considering various methods of topping herself, she decided the quickest and least painful way to do herself in would be to shoot herself through the heart.
But, being a bit old and forgetful, she couldn’t remember exactly where her heart was located, so she called the doctor for advice. The doctor said her heart was two inches above her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

CUTTING REMARK
Did you hear about the blind circumcisor? He got the sack

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well,
it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours'.

A Congressman took his seat next to a little girl on an airplane. He
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to
this total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Then how do you feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal
health care, or the economy," the little girl replied, "when you don't
know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.